Personal Enhancement, Cialis and a Reason.. kinda

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A friend of mine suggested I Google "Vajazzling" which, of course I did, because when Anna waggles her eyebrows suggesting something scandalous and smutty who am I to resist?  According to Urban Dictionary the reason this practice is done is "To give the female genitals a sparkly makeover with crystals so as to enhance their appearance."  Or, as I like to think of it, a way to give your vajaja a reason to get all red and bumpy from shaving (or worse, waxing) then seriously pissed at having bling hot glued to it's already aggrieved, uhhh, Lady Garden! 

'Suggestive' for the not so subtle

There's all kinds of designs and phrases you can vajazzle, some are cute, some sexually suggestive and some that are pretty intricate; look it up, I know you want to.

 My question is once those crystals start to fall off, to only God knows where, and there is regrowth in the Garden does that still enhance your appearance or do you just look like something the cat dragged in? 

An extremely irritated pussy with low self esteem and possible performance issues now that the bling has faded. 

No, not this (at least I hope not).

Of course, not to be outdone, the men have their own line of strategically placed sparkly jewels glued onto their  bits and pieces called, (and we're going downtown to obvious-ville here),  Pejazzling.  Makes for quite a mental visual doesn't it...

Yes, now Here's a visual!

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And while we are pondering personal enhancement I'd like to ask the makers of the drug Cialis (for men with erectile dysfunction... because most women don't have erectiles, and if we did they wouldn't dysfunction unless we goddamn wanted them too and that would only be like once a month when it's dangerous to be around any body part of ours let alone if we had an erectile and Where the hell is the chocolate?!) 




I don't need another pill..umm, the water is cold.

Ahem... anyway, Cialis has a few commercials about "everyday moments turning romantic" where the woman is doing some chore, like cooking dinner, mountains of laundry or painting a wall when the drugged-penis man comes up and gives her the 'heeeeyyyyyy baby' smile and poof, they end up in separate bathtubs somewhere in the great outdoors with a killer view and, apparently, no laws governing public nudity.  Is there a particular reason there are two bathtubs when the entire point of taking the drug is to have nothing in the way of experiencing the 'romance'? Looking at the picture I'd say there was quite a bit in the way if they really wanted to... ya know... test-drive the super dragon.

Oh and guess what, those chores aren't going to finish themselves and I'm pretty sure that dinner is burned! 

See, look at me, always thinking... I know, right? You are stunned at my train wreck of thoughts.  I may not look that bright but sometimes I amaze even myself with such brilliant observations.





What?  Nooooo, I haven't been drinking my hair dye again... that was One time and I told you, I was out of chocolate and that hot glue itched like a son of a bitch. 



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And now for no reason what so ever... I leave you with a final thought of the day and, perhaps, you too may experience this kind of personal enhancement of the spirit.  Try it, I know you want to.

Bitch Fest and Naughty Dolls

Did you ever have one of those days, or in my case Weeks, where you feel bitchy for no apparent reason what so ever?  Yeah, you too?  Good, then this blog segment will make perfect sense to you... and if it doesn't then look at the pretty pictures and think of your happy place.

Let the Bitch-Fest begin! 

So, let me start off by saying that I think people who ride their bicycles for the exercise and saving money on gas have the right idea... too bad those who ride their bikes on major roads where cars drive on are about one second away, at any time, from becoming a pile of ouchie!  I'm sure most of the bike riders try to follow the rules, look both ways and try not to challenge the main source of traffic on the roads... you know, Cars.  But there are those who do Not try, even a little, to stay out of death's way and feel it's their right as a self-righteous bike rider to just take their slice of road right out of the middle.  If you are in NY city and are a bike messenger then I can see you weaving in and out of traffic, taking unnecessary risk to deliver that paperwork that will save the world... but this is West Seattle folks and all you look like is an inconsiderate Asshole who rides a bike because you can't afford a car.  It's like we have to baby sit those wanna-be messengers because they can't possibly take responsibility for their irresponsible actions all the while shouting to the world how much right they have to be on the road.  Yes, I agree, and I'm more than willing to share the road if you'd just turn your head once in a while and see if there's a vehicle behind you before you decide to cross the road.  Is it because you are missing a couple wheels on your mode of transportation that you forget how soft and squishy you are?  I don't want to hurt you, much, so please stop trying to be all 'street' about your biking abilities and become aware of your surroundings... and guys, maybe not wear that skin-tight aerodynamic outfit while you ride cause there's just no way not to see your junk anatomy and other bits, (Um, the One exception being the dude who rides the ferry in the morning... you can just keep wearing that gear; you work out don't you? Rowr).

I recently had surgery to remove a uterus harboring a fibroid the size of a grapefruit. It was an interesting experience to be sure and the outcome was successful but it was something I will avoid in the future... while the service was excellent in my overnight stay and the drugs were delicious I just felt it was a little over done with all the tubes, machines and other devices attached to my body.  I prefer a more simple vacation venue, something that involves warm water, a lounge chair and a drink boy named Raul; oh yes, and a side of Percocet. 

I had my first ever tooth extraction a couple weeks ago, after 2 root canals trying to save said extracted tooth.  Yeah, I'm done with having things removed from my body... especially if it involves knives, needles and/or pliers. Big fucking pliers!



Random Warning: 
If you are in your car and you want to pull out in front of me, go for it!  But only if it looks like you have enough time so I don't slam on my brakes and your car is up for major sudden acceleration.  If, however, you pull out in front of me and make me have to break hard and then you go 10 miles under the speed limit you are going to find me so close to your ass that I'm going to be pulling your hair bitch!  Just wait till I go by and then do your 'I think I can, oh I guess I can't' act OK?  Seriously. Or better yet, get a bike... you'll fit right in.




Hi, I'm Scary. Are you my new Mommy? I brought you a present.

Does this doll kind of creep you out a little?  It does me.  She looks like she could suddenly take a deep breath, blink those glassy blue eyes, produce a huge bloody axe hidden in her lacey pink frock and laugh in a maniacal manner while rasping "Here's Johnny!"  What's equally scary is that this doll was gone the next time I went to this store...she either walked away on her own or some poor kid has a new friend and now needs therapy for some reason.






I found Scary's sister Tudey (as in AttiTude) in the goodwill the other day.  Look at her...she's all up in your face like "Oh, what'chu lookin at Huh?  You wanna Go? Huh?  Cause I can Go all day you sorry piece of  thrift shopper! UHN, daz right, I didn't think so!" 

Whew, Tudey is one bad ass baller eh?!  It's got to be the bear necklace... you don't get any badder wearing that kind of bling.

Yes, badder is a word, especially when you wear da bear.

 







Well, I feel better... how about you?  What's sets you off and you wish, just once, you could say it and be heard. Understood and applauded.  To be Right!

I have trouble saying things out loud sometimes because you can't take back words... there is no back button to use and damn if I don't use the Hell out of that back button on the computer.  I suspect if we all had that verbal back button option there'd be a lot more love in this world.  Maybe. It would certainly be more Funner! 

Enough already!

One of my New Year's resolutions, (oh hell, it was my Only resolution), was to be more proactive on my blog; keep the updates current and not have, oh say, two or three months go by without blogging anything.

Yeah... and 2 1/2 months later here I am. Finally.  Way to be current eh?  It's not that I don't have lots of things to snark about or observances that you desperately Need to Know, but I've discovered that I put too much pressure on myself to always have the perfect blog in every post.  Always have to have the best to write down and share... only thing is, I think too much, try too hard and then I just ... Don't.  I mean I bring "I'll do it later" like nobodies business.  I write things I'd like to blog about down on a note pad, (and they are damn good too! she said modestly),  but when it comes time to pull up a new page and git'r done... I Don't.  What if it's stupid, what if I'm not funny enough or interesting enough... what if It's not enough.  Do you ever feel that way?

 I love, love, LOVE snarky-potty-mouth-OMG-you-did-Not-just-say-that humor and life just feeds it to me with a constant stream of  "oh yeah, I'm going to say that shit out loud for reals!"  But it shouldn't have to be (in my eclectic mind) in big, epic proportions that I 'perfectly produce' each blog... so with that being said, I'm going to continue to share what makes me laugh, cringe and go No fucking Way! but in a, probably, less refined fashion.  Besides, this blog is more for me than you; well, kinda.  If it's not enough for you, I understand completely... it's like those people who move next to an airport and have the nerve to complain about the noise; uhhh yeah dip shit, if you don't like the noise don't move there 'cause it's going to happen!  If you don't like what I read, don't read it!  It's OK, really! 

I'd like to think I'm going to give myself a break in real life like I am in my blog.  Maybe you should too... give yourself permission to Not be perfect or epic or enough, because sometimes we just can't be; sometimes we just Don't. 



OK, so enough of that!  Here's a few things I have on my list and there's enough Really?! to go around.

So, what's up with Adults needing to revert to child-like behaviour and causing a whole new product line to be created just because they can't swallow a vitamin with a drink of wine water. I get that some people can't take pills that way and that's why there's a need for chewable vitamins, but did it have to go to the Gummy level? Apparently, according to the commercials promoting this new phase of adult health care, if you use these gummy vitamins you will indeed revert back to childish behaviour and throw food at each other while laughing in a giddy 'OMG I feel soooo much better since my Multi tastes like vitamin-esk gelatinous candy children usually eat' kind of way. And who do you think is going to clean up that food fight mess?  Yep, it's the adults who created it and I bet they regret throwing all those strained peas and tippy cup milk around because that shit sticks to everything!

And speaking of childish and messy shit, have you seen the commercial for Luvs diapers? The premise for this charming gem is a contest of cartoon babies who are competing to see who can produce the biggest, most explosive and impressive poop without blowing out their diapers... all to the music of "Whoomp there it is" where they instead say, (I bet you know what I'm going to say...) "Poop there it is!" There's a crowd of cheering fans and even a few judges that hold up numbers rating their thoughts on the gastric efforts of each contestants, ahhh, qualifying attempts. Spoiler alert: the last baby has the biggest poop and wins; a shocking and unexpected ending, I know.

Now I'm assuming that there was some form of Adult interaction in the initial marketing idea and story board; I mean someone had to think this crap up *snicker* and have the nerve to initiate a dialog with other Power Thinkers to receive validation that this is a most excellent idea!  I'm also assuming that a few of his fellow colleagues responded to his whoomp/poop-parody-ridden idea with "Party on Dude!" and "Is it 4:20 yet?" There's no way you can come up with crazy stuff like that and not be high. No. Fucking. Way.

That I'm so compelled to not only remember these examples of absurd commercialism but feel the imperative need to share them proves one glaring fact... I watch too damn much TV! 


Or Not, because when it comes to potential gutter-mutter blog material and Television, I can never get....  Enough.

Warrey Christmas 2011

       Warrey Christmas  2011

Merry Meet to you and yours in this calm and mild December … actually it was pretty darn calm and mild, weather wise, the entire year and I’m not complaining one bit!  While the rest of the nation was wicked hot, wicked cold or dealing with wicked-witch-of-the-west winds we here in our little pocket of the Pacific Northwest waiting for our turn of wicked something…that never came. In fact it took so long to warm up in the Summer the tomato plants I was finally able to plant told me not to hold my breath on getting any actual tomatoes to eat since they would be ripe right around the time of the first fall frost.  I never realized tomatoes were so cynical but it turns out they were right; smarty plants.   So now the snow skiers are whining about the lack of snow but I could have told them not to bother since I have studded tires on the car, thus ensuring no need for them, of course.

Other than the innocuous weather things around here were pretty good in 2011..  Steve, aka World of Warcraft  extraordinaire, took on the onerous task of ‘re-doing’ the deck.  It’s a big deck with lots of wood surface that had to be stripped, primed and finally stained.  It turned out great, especially since I was not involved in that project!  I was, however, perfectly encouraging to his efforts to get the second coat of stain on by informing him when he missed a spot; and then ducked quickly … those paint brushes sting!  (Hey, like how I got the tomato plants and the beautifully restored deck at the same time?  What can I say, it’s all in the timing … and word wrap).  Steve still does battle with the dreaded Scotch Broom but I have to say he is making headway… another 20 years and he could win!

When I’m not cheering from the deck sidelines I’m floating to and from my job in West Seattle.  This year Ryan is working at the studio as well so we get to commute together; thrilling as that is for him I’m sure he’d rather be driving his new car!  This spring, after careful research and ponderous choices he found the perfect car… a 2008 Lightning Red Subaru Impreza!  It’s really Impreza-ing too!  (Oh come on, you know you wanted to say that too).  He’s having a blast and building credit… yeah car payments!  LOL

Baylee the dog and Bobby the Kat have survived another year of never getting any rest and nearly starving to death, according to them.  Baylee, who is 11, finds her best nap times are in the middle of our king size bed stretched waaaaay out so that the humans barely have enough room on either side of her; not that it’s an issue with Her but she does heave a heavy Sigh or two when her humans whine that she’s being a bed hog.

I put her ‘favorite’ jingle bell elastic collar on her and took this picture… notice how it’s got lots of room around her neck?  Yeah, well when we put it on Bobby’s neck there was a lot of room too but when he got it lodged around his middle, there was no room at all; in fact it fit quite snugly. When he ran around the front room it was like Santa’s reindeer at full speed. So I say to you Bobby Kat, you Sir, are not starving to death! 

Oh, I forgot to mention that Steve has become quite the Chef this year!  He got me a magazine subscription to the Food Network and while looking through them he saw a few dishes that sounded good enough to make… so he did!  At first he was unsure of just how to go about it but I was, again, amazingly encouraging and told him “Dude, you know how to fly big Airplanes!  Follow the instructions and it will be fine!”  See, who could not succeed with such gentle guidance?  So he proceeded to go wicked on mashed potatoes with sour cream, butter, horseradish and crispy fried bacon!  Now he’s all things crispy bacon, including fried green beans with red pepper flakes, onion and… more Bacon!  While I take all credit for his monumental cooking success I will give him credit on finding the best and most versatile fatty-Mcfat-fat meats of all times.  Can’t wait to see what he comes up with next month.

I hope your year had times of calm and mild, with a side of bacon.  We wish you a happy and successful New Year with love and laughter to help you along the way.  Know you are loved and if that’s not enough… there’s always the Food Network, (and bacon). 

 

                                Dee Dee, Steve  &  Ryan

   

Updates, Eye Candy and the Pucker Factor

Lately, I've run across a few things I think need to be added to some of my previous blogs... a follow up as it were, because one can never have too many WTF moments Right? 




Now I'm not sure if this belongs in the "How many Links" blog or the most recent "Explain to me Why" one so I'll let you decide. 

Puckerooms... I can't even say that word without a dirty snicker and inappropriate images flashing it's innuendo-laden trench coat through my mind.  Now add Sour and Gummie to the mix and it all slides downhill into Laughyourassoff-ville.  Wonka, you twisted son's a bitches, what made you think this was not only going to be OK to display in the candy isle but be something to sell to children? Can you imagine hearing a kid yell at the top of their lungs as the little heathens usually do  say "Mommy! I want Sour Puckerooms Gummies, can I get em' huh? The Cherry puckeroom is my favorite!"  Of course all the child is looking at is a blob of chewy, sour candy but as an adult (and one such as myself who is a tad off as it is, ahem) would you want watch your kid pop those fungus-esk candies in their mouths knowing they are going to enjoy, albeit innocently, a product with Pucker in the name? Hell, if they were taught any manners whatsoever, they are going to share that with other kids... "Here, want some Sour Puckerooms? You should try the anatomically- suggestive shaped ones!"   


And Why in the shape of a mushroom for fuck sake?  Was it the gummy worms that influenced this next generation of Gummy-Candy-should-not-take-the-form-of... I don't know but I have a bad feeling about the next great idea they come up with.  I think we know what kind of 'Shrooms' those candy developers were eating while thinking this shit up; and I bet they weren't grape flavored!

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This next update definitely goes in the "Only in the Pacific Northwest" blog... and I can't tell you how horrifying this is to me.  

Sluggles Gummies.  Are you Fucking kidding me?! Candy in the shape of a SLUG?! 


Gummy. Slug. Candy.


Oh wait, there's also Snail shapes, yeah that makes it so much more acceptable.


In my blog I explain my violent aversion of these creatures ... in great length in fact.  I was so fascinated with the bag of Puckerooms I didn't notice the bag next to it right away.  When I stopped snickering at the picture I took of the puckers I noticed it's neighboring candy friend... and at first it didn't sink in.  I mean no one would really make a candy slug, it just wasn't done... maybe I read the bag wrong.  No, no I did not read it wrong and the pictures below the name supported the fact that those 'shroomed out fuckleheads had gone to a candy darkness I didn't think possible. 


 Has it come to this Wonka? Have you lost your mind so badly that Sluggles and Sour Puckrooms are the best you can come up with as a product marketed towards children? Really?  You went from the hugely popular gummy Bear and other cute shapes only to end up with Fungi and Gastropods; maybe the next gummy form should be Tree with Sour Moss... it's only logical since  slugs and mushrooms are big fans!  OMG I'm so grossed out right now, UGH.




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Moving on to a more interesting (and less gummy, well maybe) blog addition:  


It's time for "When Ferry Danish goes Eggshit!"  


In the blog "What's the Point?"
I shared my experiences of my daily commute to work and back on the Washington State Ferry system.  The Ferry worker's job consists of directing traffic on and off the boat using a method I like to call... Pointing.  It doesn't look to be a very stressful occupation besides dealing with people who don't pay attention to their pointing and the crappy weather they have to endure ... but recently there was an Incident with one of the Ferry workers that has me rethinking their actual stress level.  Here's the actual article  but basically it's about this guy who drives too fast on Vashon Island (our only other stop on the Southworth/Fauntleroy ferry run) and some guy records him speeding on his cell phone.  Angry-driver gets pissed that someone dare call him on his Alleged asshole behavior so, while waiting in line for the ferry, he smears his Danish on the guys car window and tries to get him to step out of the car.  The guy making the video is being cool and doesn't participate... just takes more footage!  So while getting on the ferry one day the guy who took the video sees the angry driver and realizes it's a Ferry worker aaaaaaand shares his experiences AND video with King 5 news!  LOL, busted!  Angry Ass is on leave but he did apologize to his smear victim who is  not pressing charges, which would be for....  assault with a Pastry?  Along with his apology Angry Ferry's wife set the record straight by admitting that the assault weapon wasn't a Danish... it was an Egg Salad Sandwich;  Whew, 'cause we all  know how dangerous breakfast foods can be!


                                                *****************


And finally ~ I'd like to add one more cape to my "Sweet Cape Vibes" blog and it's a good one!


We went to see the new movie THOR and he was rocking a Pimpin' cape! OK the armor was impressive too but check out the shoulders on this cape, that's some heavy duty starch job!

No, that's not a hammer in my pocket Batman.
(you'd get this if you read the blog!)

Did I say one more cape?  I meant two... because I think I found Thor's ancestor; Spartathor! I believe this was before the invention of starch.. or the Iron... or, Pants.

Did I say one more?  Ok, OK, One more but this is the last one; there's just some things you can't top! Personally I think Wonka should consider this spectacular specimen their next gummy candy shape; it would certainly be some interesting ... Eye Candy!

Oh yeah, I make this look Good!

Explain to me why...

Forgive me Father for I have been a lazy ass sinned;  it's been over a month since my last blog. 

My mom taught me if I didn't have something nice (or interesting) to say then don't say anything at all.  Of course she also said "Wipe that look off your face, Who do you think you are & if you don't like something then Fix It or shut the hell up!"  And while the first two were no fair because there's no correct way to answer them, (they are trick mom-questions designed to get you into even more trouble), the last one still rings true today... if there's something about your life you don't like then Fix it; do something about it, make it better or really, just shut it! So I did. And you're welcome because I was boring as hell this last month.  Now I'm ready to fix my boring by playing a little game I like to call... "Explain to me WHY?"  For the most part this game involves random bitching about things and people with a few snar-castic observations thrown in for good measure. Oh, and for the record,  I still have nothing nice to say but hey, I didn't always listen to my mom.  

So, Port Orchard, Explain to me WHY ...

 Do you have so many Goddamned speed bumps!  Was there a now-defunct speed bump manufacturing plant I don't know about? Was PO part of a test site for future speed bumps? I mean seriously... why are there such a ridiculous amount of those suckers?  Parking lots, drive ways, random roads; They. Are. Everywhere.  I wonder if there was  such an epidemic of crazy people driving-way-too-fast-where-they-shouldn't that the city had no choice but to bring in the big guns and plant strategic concrete humps to get the point across; or is there a deeper, darker secret.  I speculate that what started off to be a good idea turned into an addiction!  They say they can stop anytime they want to but I don't buy that.  Every time there's a new building, new development or an updated site... what shows up like needle tracks on a junkie's arm; yeah, you know the answer.  I suppose we should be grateful they city didn't decide on the alternate, and ultimately more bad-ass ... the Speed Hole.

Damn, there goes another muffler

 To those who ride their horses on the road, explain to me WHY...

In these socially conscientious times it's become not only a moral obligation but evolved into an industry of products unto itself all catering to ... Picking up your Dog's Shit.  I get it, I do.  I get why we should do that, why it's the right thing to do, the neighborly thing to do; but is it just me or is that too fricking weird? I mean you walk your dog, they poop in the grass and the job is done, end of story.  Ah, but wait, there's more... people are watching you, waiting for you to pull out a plastic baggie, reach down and pick that just-laid land mine up and properly dispose of the offending offal like it was no big deal, like you didn't just Pick. Up. Shit.  I can only imagine how proud the douche bag that first came up with this idea is; now, thanks to him, there are websites specifically designed to sell 'dog poop removal systems' ... I bet he's a CEO of some dog waste company laughing his ass off all the way to the bank.  Why would I assume it's a 'He' you ask?  Because I'm positive the 'Shes' of this nation have other, better things to focus on; like horse shit.

So if we have become so obsessed with keeping our pet's digestive material off the ground and out of site... Horse riders, explain to me why it's OK for your little pony to poop anywhere it wants and you guys just walk away.  Just leave that huge steaming pile on the road without any thought that someone may have to navigate around that smelly crap, that we have to deal with that ginormous poop-mountain as you walk into the sunset without a care in the world.  Why wouldn't you have to get off your high horse, (snick, you knew I'd go for that pun right?), and deal with your pet's 'gifts' like we do?  And don't give me the "dogs eat protein and horses don't" excuse either... you know what I'm talking about and it's not about who's pooh is more or less harmful. It still gets on my car tires, looks ugly on the side of the road, (if we are lucky it on the side), and it  came from Your animal! 

However, I have a solution that should be considered;  in fact it's quite brilliant!

In March Ryan turned 21 and we were surprised, (and very blessed; thank you Rene and Kraig),  to be giving a trip to Vegas to celebrate!  Ry and I got the happy news and 2 days later we were in the air toward warmer, dryer weather....and things like palm trees, ahhh the feel of not having to wear a coat; it felt so good.

Giant alcohol- infused slushies... yep, Vegas has em!

  

We stayed at Planet Hollywood and had the best time sampling different drinks, playing video poker, walking around in 75° weather, meeting up with my Aunt Ruthy and high school friends... even saw Penn and Teller at the Rio!  

Planet Hollywood had a huge mall called the Miracle Mile where you can find all kinds of restaurants, clothing stores, specialty shops and just about anything you'd need to complete your Vegas experience... even their very own strip club... that has strip karaoke; huh, now there's an image I didn't need in my head.

Anyway, during our mall experience we passed a store that sold kids clothing and I noticed that one of the manikins dressed in boy clothing looked oddly out of place... no, not out of place, but something wasn't quite right. Hmmm...  oh Hell, I see it now.  Hey Vegas, explain to me WHY that boy is wearing 3 layers of clothing like he's from the Pacific Northwest.  You are in the Desert and it's almost summer, WTH?  I know what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas but you have gone too far this time.  Too Far!                                Oh, and that hand going all Michael Jackson on his non-existent  junk, yeah that's probably not cool either. Just saying.

On our flight back Ryan's eyes closed for awhile and he exhibited all the signs of someone who had fallen asleep... snoring, slack jaw, rapid eye movement... but it was NOT a nap, no Way!  Ryan considers sleeping during any kind of daylight hours to be a weakness and reference to that will not be tolerated!  So, on our cab ride back from the airport I mentioned his getting a nap in before we landed.  He again snapped at corrected me that he wasn't asleep and it wasn't a damn NAP! I said "Geez dude, we've been partying in Vegas for three days, it's OK to be a little tired!"   In the dark of the cab, rain pouring down on the roof I hear him mutter "That's so weird to hear a mom say that kind of thing."  I, of course, had to remind him... "Yeah, well kid, I've never been a typical mom."  He had no choice but to agree.  He's smart that way! LOL

So raise your glass...or aluminum beer bottle!

While waiting for the elevator to take us downstairs to check out we left someone just starting their adult adventure in Vegas a small  token... I hope Samuel  found a good home, even if he was one bottle short of a six-pack.

 

Art and the Rabtti

In an effort to consolidate the boxes in our garage (with the hope that someday it would house an actual car instead of acting as a glorified storage unit) I dug into a couple boxes that had school work that my mom had saved from grade school.  It was an eye opening experience that I just have to share... lucky YOU!

Among all the papers were old report cards which reminded me of how average a student I was; and how much I appreciate Spell Check because, apparently, I was hooked on Foniks! I noticed a disturbing trend in the report cards when it came to ART class and I thought it was a little unfair for the teachers to judge so harshly... i mean I was a kid, how bad could my art be to be graded in the low C or high D category?  Year after year I improved on most of my classes but not ART; what the hell? 

Digging through more school stuff I found some clues that would bring to light this hater-like attitude to my, uh, 'Art'?  

Now in my defense I was young when I did this, er, Abstract piece. Yes, Abstract... I mean look at the use of color and what can only be intentional-dripping to personify the effect of, ummm, gravity's pull on the blueness of the soul. In fact it exudes so much Abstract Expressionism it would make Jack Pollock, (aka; Jack the Dripper), cry with envy! This is totally B+ grading right here, by golly.

This next piece was obviously from my self-impressionism stage of life... I think. 
The cut out job was pretty good but I only did half my eye makeup, the socks SO don't go with that lovely frock, those pointy-toe shoes are way too wedgie; and where the fuck are my fingers?! 


Yep, starting to see where my art skills may have been questioned, but hey, don't mess with my cut out... she looks like she could kick your ass or at least wedge her shoe up there!






And then I found this.  It was for 
Easter; an Easter Rabtti.  


My Easter Rabtti is, ahhhh, colorful and 
looks to be happy, I guess?  I think that cheerful orange face is trying to hide the fact that
there appears to be some malformation in the arm and leg proportions and, Holy Yuck, is that stomach protrusion some kind of intestinal disorder? Naw, probably just ate too many of those freakishly red eggs ... the ones in that basket, you know, next to the 'goldden' egg which is, Sigh, Grey.

There really is no 'Ism' that could describe this... whatever this is.  

Yeah, I get it now. What those teachers must have thought when looking at my 'art', those poor bastards.




So, I think I finally figured out that my talent didn't express itself so much in Art but more in developing a wicked, and eventually snotty, snarky vocabulary! It can be seen here in this little rhyme which, while not exactly correct, pretty much sums up the sentiment my exploration of Art:


"One, Two: buckel my shoe.
Three, Fore: Don't open the door.
Five, Six: Pick up Stickes
Seven, Eight: Open the gate
Nice, Ten: PISS on the ham"

(and by ham, I'm positive I meant ART)





Over the years you may think that someone so obviously handicapped in the Art department would stay away from things they cannot control... but there are times when the crayons are just sitting there, waiting for true inspiration to explode on the white canvas, (this one created in 2009).  Maybe, just maybe this time it will happen, I'll draw something so profoundly beautiful that I will have my redemption, my A+ ... or not.

Hey, it was worth a try... and that blue thing is a duck; a close relation to the Easter Rabtti.